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That's enough, kids
It was a lovely day at the park and Stella Bianchi was enjoying the sunshine with her two children when a young boy, aged about four, approached her two-year-old son and pushed him to the ground.
"I'd watched him for a little while and my son was the fourth or fifth child he'd shoved." she says, "I went over to them, picked up my son, turned to the boy and said, firmly,' No, we don't push.'" What happened next was unexpected.
"The boy's mother ran toward me from across the park." Stella says. "I thought she was coming over to apologise, but instead she started shouting at me for 'disciplining her child'. All I did was let him know his behaviour was unacceptable. Was I supposed to sit back while her kid did whatever he wanted, hurting other children in the process?"
Getting your own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with other people's children has become a minefield
In my house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister's house it's encouraged. For her, it's about kids being kids: "If you can't do it at three, when can you do it?"
Each of these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves visiting his aunt's house. But I find myself saying "no" a lot when her kids are over at mine. That's OK between sisters but becomes dangerous territory when you're talking to the children of friends or acquaintances.
"Kids aren't all raised the same." agrees Professor Naomi White of Monash University. "But there's still an idea that they're the property of the parents. We see our children as an extension of ourselves, so if you're saying that my child is behaving inappropriately, then that's somehow a criticism of me."
In those circumstances, it's difficult to know whether to approach the child directly or the parent first. There are two schools of thought.
"I'd go to the first." says Andrew Fuller, author of Tricky Kids ,"Usually a quiet reminder that ' we don't do that here' is enough. Kids have finely tuned antennae (直觉）for how to behave in different settings."
He points out that bringing it up with the parent first may make them feel neglectful, which could cause problems. Of course, approaching the child first can bring its own headaches, too.
This is why White recommends that you approach the parents first. "Raise your concerns with the parents if they're there and ask them to deal with it." she says.
Asked how to approach a parent in this situation, psychologist Meredith Fuller answers: "Explain your needs as well as stressing the importance of the friendship. Preface your remarks with something like:‘I know you'll think I'm silly but in my house I don't want...'"
When it comes to situations where you're caring for another child. White is straightforward: "Common sense must prevail. If things don't go well then have a chat."
There're a couple of new grey areas. Physical punishment, once accepted from any adult, is no longer appropriate. "Now you can't do it without feeling uneasy about it." White says.
Men might also feel uneasy about dealing with other people's children. "Men feel nervous," White says. "A new set of considerations has come to the fore as part of the debate about how we handle children."
For Andrew Fuller, the child-centric nature of our society has affected everyone. "The rules are different now from when today's parents were growing up," he says. "Adults are scared of saying, ' Don't swear ', or asking a child to stand up on a bus. They're worried that there will be conflict if they point these things out-either from older children, or their parents."
He sees it as a loss of the sense of common public good and public courtesy (礼貌), and says that adults suffer from it as much as children.
Meredith Fuller agrees, "A code of conduct is hard to create when you're living in a world in which everyone is exhausted from overwork and lack of sleep, and a world in which nice people are perceived to finish last."
"It's about what I'm doing and what I need," Andrew Fuller says. "The days when a kid came home from school and said, ' I got into trouble ', and dad said, ' You probably deserved it', are over. Now the parents are charging up to the school to have a go at teachers."
This jumping to our children's defence is part of what fuels the "walking on eggshells" feeling that surrounds our dealings with other people's children. You know that if you remonstrate (劝诫) with the child, you're going to have to deal with the parents. It's admirable to be protective of our kids, but is it good?
"Children have to learn to negotiate the world on their own, within reasonable boundaries," White says. "I suspect that it's only certain sectors of the population doing the running to the school-better0educated parents are probably more likely to be too involved."
White believes our notions of a more child-centred society should be challenged. "Today we have a situation where, in many families, both parents work, so the amount of time children get from parents has diminished," she says.
"Also, sometimes when we talk about being child-centred, it's a way of talking about treating our children like commodities (商品). We ' re centred on them but in ways that reflect positively on us. We treat them as objects whose appearance and achievements are something we can be proud or , rather than serve the best interests of the children."
One way over-worked, under-resourced parents show commitment to their children is to leap to their defence. Back at the park, Bianchi's intervention (干预）on her son’s behalf ended in an undignified exchange of insulting words with the other boy's mother.
As Bianchi approached the park bench where she ' d been sitting, other mums came up to her and congratulated her on taking a stand. "Apparently the boy had a longstanding reputation for had behaviour and his mum for even worse behaviour if he was challenged."
Andrew Fuller doesn't believe that we should be afraid of dealing with other people's kids. "Look at kids that aren't your own as a potential minefield." he says. He recommends that we don't stay silent over inappropriate behaviour, particularly with regular visitors.
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